cocohaven

been awake since 3am and the feeling sucks. tossing n turning yet unable to slp. seriously not a fan of tossing n turning. gonna engage in some activities that would help tire myself out, as well as to make time go by faster. cos, you're going to be out the whole day and i aint got no engagements.. another boring saturday that is so hard to pass.
gonna clean the house again.. i dont understand how everyone can live with it like tt. i seriously cant.. and somehw tt becomes my responsibility just cause i cant. isnt it ur hse as much as it is mine? this is indeed a clear demonstration of how as much as we are under going socio-economic progress. the damnation of tradition lives. if men can lament about serving ns. try living with the need to serve the labour force and the family. yes SERVE the family simultaneously.. theoretically, women live under the one-role or two-role ideology as a result of sex-role stereotypes. womenfolk live to serve the domestic needs, but because of advancement, we now live to be partial breadwinners to give the family a better life (to put it crudely, some men just dont work hard enough to sustain the family). yet domestic duties are still solely and rightfully women's. if we have to share you economic provider role, share our domestic role too.
but damn tradition, damn the ego-centric, chauvinistic men.
NS is two years of your life. a burden you have to bear on your own..
a family is for the rest of a women's life, a burden we have to bear on our own...
tell me.. is ns fair? are men fair?
to be a little fair to the slight changes in the men folk, slow and small in numbers, but worthy of praise. men who really share the whole labour-participation n domesticity.. is worth of praise.
i pray i find a man, who will share this same view... cos i dont know how to live with bearing such a huge burden all on my own. it just isnt fair. marriage is two coming together to share a journey. i think it is possible.

i long for a meaningful start.. and meaningful journey.. =)

ohoh. monday is the big day! its times like these, i really wish you were around. you know how milestones in life.. you really wish that that someone special was with you? but its ok.. i know how even though we are 2424 air miles apart, you're with me.. wishing me the best.. and being happy for me all in all.
29 more days.. its so exciting!!! =))) i can't wait. cos this time around, its going to be different, that im sure..
these days have already been sweeter than i could ever imagine. oh cant wait cant wait!!! =D

ytd was a good day out spent with amanda.. had katong laksa with my mama then amanda and i headed down to suntec to check out the marina bay sands career fair. just to see if they could offer more than those stipulated on the website.. while waiting we headed 2 floors down to check out another exhibition and it was a clear testimony of what happens when u put amanda n myself together. its always food galore!!! bought this traditional hungarian christmas bread in cinnamon sugar and its 100% slurps! crispy on the outside, warm and soft on the inside.. can't get enough. then to bugis to walk around and wait for zheng xian.. tried to revamp amanda a lil in preparation of work.. from shoes to bags. finding a bag is so hard! but i am determined to find the right shape for her. the rest isnt too difficult. difficulty lies in finding the right mix of the slight feminine touch, yet containing amanda's personality.. no messenger bags babe. sorry.. then.. brought amanda n xian to have yummy fried fish soup at tan quee lan street. then changi v for red tea jelly with longan, while amanda had her seconds.. oh the simple pleasures in life that i love about singapore.

i pray lord, we can settle the mess at home.. =) i believe, you'll help us through it all.

i love today. a table of 12 pilots in uniform at katong.. a pilot in flight suit at changi v. drools. super drools. i can so live with it! hint hint.. =D


Some people laugh
Some people cry
Some people live
Some people die
Some people run right into the fire
Some people hide their every desire

But we are the lovers
If you don't believe me then just look into my eyes
'Cause the heart never lies

Some people fly
Some people fall
Others pretend they don't care at all
If you want to fight I'll stand right beside you
The day that you fall I'll be right behind you
To pick up the pieces
If you don't believe me just look into my eyes
'Cause the heart never lies

Another year over and we're still together
It's not always easy but I'm here forever
We are the lovers
I know you believe me when you look into my eyes
'Cause the heart never lies

 acceptance with that much of reluctance just to suit the current situation... is not something i am looking forward to. if weifeng's proposal doesnt work out, i might be quite depressed. but then again. i have to think of the ever depleting scarce resource and just bite the bullet...  damn it
to my lord, i shall just keep praying... 

ON THE OTHER HAND.. 

i can't wait for december to come. tho its only going to be for 14 days... 14 pathetic days.. i do hope it will all be super well spent. so much to do.. so little time.. but.. im pretty sure i will be so darn happy. 

oh amanda shld be back in a few mins time too.. =)) 
all these travelling. 

these days. are just spent studying and playing ball. my oh-so-exciting life. pathetic. 

Through everything that is happening, i came across an entry that struck me deep.. about accommodating people. 
To have to force a smile when you are in a social group. to have to create small talk. to say yes when you actually want to decline. to go places you dont exactly want to.  
but then again. sometimes i live so much to please the people around me.. that i forget about myself, or im just too contented with your happiness that it doesnt really matter anymore? 
if you really love your friends and family, it doesnt matter how much you have to give up or the labour required, all that matters is to see them happy. yes no? 

someone teach me how to leave it all behind and walk away. cos for the past 1 year, i have never been able to find the courage to do it. 

Elvin Ng is really Mr Dreamy. He is my ideal guy not because of his looks, but because of his literature capabilities. and because i already think he is so boyishly adorable.. its like icing on my favourite cake. His style of writing, his perspectives, his command of the language.. really sweeps me of my feet... oh damn it why are we worlds apart! 
and, he's witty too! 

oh mr dreamy... 

 amanda shared a blog post with me. and it pretty much summed everything up.. so far. 
You've loved me since the 10th grade, this I know now. But I was to absorbed in myself to see you as more than just a best friend. I broke your heart. You knew we would never be. You were always just the nice guy who was there for me whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on. I did love you, but not in the way you loved me. I took advantage of you, everyone was telling me it was so obvious that you loved me. But I wouldn't let myself see it, I blocked you out. We spent every day together in the summer going into our junior year and it continued into our junior year. We were inseparable. Then I'm not sure what started it but we started separating. Maybe you couldn't stand being just my best friend and only wanted to be my friend who was sometimes there.
I'll never know. I got a boyfriend senior year and told you everything, maybe that was wrong of me. He hated when we were alone together because he knew you loved me, but I wouldn't let that separate us for good. Then you got a girlfriend. I hated her, but I told you she was cute and that I liked her. Slowly we started seeing each other less and less. Then I realized why I hated her so much. It was because I was so jealous of her. You started hanging out with only her friends and we never saw each other.
Then freshman year came. We were both still in relationships. We would talk when we saw each other out at parties and have really good talks about our relationships. Mine was at the time going down hill and you helped me in a way just through our few talks. The summer going into our sophomore year I ended things with my boyfriend of 2 years, it was hard. But you were there for me. One night when we were drunk at a party I confessed to my friends that I loved you, i unconditionally loved you, more then I ever wanted to love someone. I loved you as a best friend and someone I was interested in. This made it even more dangerous. After this party I blocked out what i had confessed, but my friends will never forget it and never let me forget it.
The summer went on and our relationship didn't change. We still never saw each other, you still had a girlfriend. Then 5 days ago I heard from a friend that your girlfriend had broken up with you. I immediately wanted to talk to you. But I couldn't because we are not the way we used to be and may never be that way again. I know she broke your heart and I am so sorry, I want nothing more than to be there for you right now. But I can't be. I can never tell you how I really feel. I cannot bring myself to risk such heartache of being denied. I cannot risk losing you as a friend. I need you in my life even if we aren't talking as much as we used to, we still can talk. And that is something I am not willing to give up. I love you, but I can never be with you. You don't love me the way you used to. And you never will because she broke your heart.

just that.. im the fool who keeps waiting.. i dont know when i'll throw in my towel.. i hope i never need too. but these days seem distant... 
who will ever know my heart. my achy breaky heart.. 

and i wish for one day.. someone cld tell me this.. 

anywho.. 
some friends we keep for a lifetime, even if we thought we wld never last. some friends we slowly forget, even thought we said we'd be best friends forever. 
through it all, im glad i met you. all my sleepless nights. troubled ones.. vexed ones.. ones filled with anxiety. ones with joy. ones with nonsense yada yada. 
not to say the rest of u dont matter. but im lazy tonight. and just so happen.. we were on this topic of friendship and you pointed out how drifted and seemed like we'd nv make it.. but here we are now.. through thick n thin.